An Open Letter to the Side Yard Apple Tree

Dear Apple Tree,

One more chance. One more shot, and that’s it.

That’s fair, isn’t it? I mean, we’ve tried for four years running and it’s just not working out. I can’t imagine this comes as a sudden shock. So. The fact is, Apple Tree, if you continue to insist on producing horrible tasting bitter fruit, you are totally next year’s firewood, my friend.

Your apples are totally awful. I mean, shades-of-Snow-White awful. Each season, I take a bite, I pause to taste, and then I spit your foul fruit to the ground and call for an exorcist. You should be ashamed of yourself. I can tell you’re from a good family. You’re grafted onto hardy, excellent root stock. You have been nicely pruned each year, as if you deserve it. If you don’t mind my saying so, I think you’re wasting your potential. If you would only apply yourself.

In addition to all this, you stand there bold as brass right in the middle of my Alpine garden, contributing nothing. Frankly, you’re in the way. So, I suggest you get your act together. Because, the fact is, if you’ll excuse the language, I want me some fancy apple wood a lot more that I want your shitty apples.


The Gardener



Filed under adirondacks

14 responses to “An Open Letter to the Side Yard Apple Tree

  1. Kate

    Hmmm. As I learned from “The Botany of Desire” on PBS — also the name of a very informative book, particularly about apples — a grafted apple is the clone of the apples from the tree from which the branch was taken, so it’s possible that you’ve been had. On the other hand, apples grown from seed are entirely a genetic, and therefore flavor, tossup, so you could try planting a few seeds in an out of the way place and hope for the best.

  2. Eh, it was there when we got here. It’s about 15 feet tall. I guess I don’t have much of an investment in the thing. Would have been nice if it bothered to DO something though! LOL

  3. My theory is your tree was grown from seed. IIRC however, apples that are no good for fresh eating often make excellent cider. (Not sure why.)

    As Kate said, if you want an apple that tastes like what you expect, it has to be grafted from a tree that produces tasty apples. St. Lawrence Nurseries in Potsdam has a nice selection of apples that will survive your winters.

  4. LOL!!! Apple Tree, you have been PUT ON NOTICE!!
    I have some pathetic lilac “bushes” I keep threatening, but I never have the heart to yank them. 😛

  5. No, it’s definitely a bought, grafted tree. I can see where it was grafted onto the stock. I thought of St. Lawrence, but I think I remember that they only do tiny trees. I’m far more impatient than that! I did notice that Bonesteel’s outside Malone (AMAZING place!) has good apple trees as well.

  6. I vote for firewood! 🙂

  7. Neil

    What variety of apples does this said tree produce ?

  8. Oh, I wish I knew. They’re medium sized and a light red. It was here when we got here, so I have no idea.

  9. themac

    I feel that exact same way about the maple trees that are shading my garden – move or you’re firewood!!

  10. Would you have a talk with my parent’s pear tree?

  11. I have a similar conversation with an azalea bush I have. It’s been around for 10 years now and I haven’t the heart to ditch it. I just keep moving it around and blaming myself. Good luck with your apple tree.

  12. We have an apple tree that makes the most disgusting-tasting apples… that magically turn tasty after the first hard frost. It’s the weirdest thing. They’re actually delicious after they’ve stayed on the tree until it freezes. Give it until late fall, and see if you have one of these contrary trees. If not, it’s apple-wood for you! =)

  13. I’m thinking like Anne–this might be a very, very late apple. Try leaving them on the tree until late in the season and see what they’re like. And try frying them. We had a tree of sour apples that were the best fried apples around.

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